


Let Me Hold You Up

by AHumanoidBagOfChips



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Clowns, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Humanstuck, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Juggalos, M/M, Original Character(s), Recreational Drug Use, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:14:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHumanoidBagOfChips/pseuds/AHumanoidBagOfChips
Summary: You weren't as uncertain. That's how you know. You never even thought of telling someone. You just went and tried, and if it weren't for your brother you'd 'a been dead as dust. You're only thought in the middle of that unforgiving sea was "I'm tired".
Relationships: Gamzee Makara/Original Character(s), Gamzee Makara/Original Male Character(s)
Kudos: 3





	Let Me Hold You Up

_Ping._  
  
It's almost three in the mornin'. You're lying on your bed with the lights off, music from the radio pouring out of their speakers and into your ears like motherfucking magic. The iridescent stickers on your window dance with the light of the moon. You've just put out your joint, ready to shut your eyes and drift off to dreamland, when you decide to check the notifications on your phone. The light from the screen doesn't bother you too much, mostly cause you got the brightness almost at zero. Looks like you've got a message from your best bro.  
  
**GAMZEE  
****YOU BETTER NOT BE HIGH RIGHT NOW** **  
****THIS IS SERIOUS  
  
**Aw shit, your little Karbro must've gotten into some crazy shenanigans. You're about to message back but then he just keeps goin'.  
  
**AND I KNOW THE CHANCES OF YOU BEING AWAKE AND SOBER AT 2:45 IN THE AM ARE EXTREMELY LOW BUT I'M HOPING YOU ARE FOR YOUR OWN SAKE AND YOUR BOYFRIEND'S  
  
**Moxxas? What's this little rant got to do with your boy toy?   
  
**WoAh WoAh  
KaRkAt ChIlL  
I jUs PuT dOwN a JoInT bUt Im NoT tOo HiGh PrOmIsE  
WhAtS uP :o?  
  
**You send those texts but he doesn't really see 'em for a second, finishing his rave and then some. This is normal for him usually.  
  
**IF I CAN'T GET A HOLD OF YOU I GUESS I'LL DEAL WITH IT MYSELF  
BUT YOU'RE HIS BOYFRIEND AND I'M JUST HIS BOYFRIEND'S BEST FRIEND  
HE PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO WANT TO TALK TO ME BEYOND WHAT HE ALREADY SAID.  
YOU AT LEAST HAVE MORE OF A CHANCE WITH HIM  
  
WhAt ArE yOu TaLkIn BoUt?  
  
OH  
THERE YOU ARE  
FUCK SORRY  
  
**You sit up and lean back against the frame of your bed. Apology, right on cue.  
  
**SaLrIgHt BrO  
  
****OK I HAVE TO TRY MY GOD FUCKING HARDEST TO KEEP THIS SHORT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME WE HAVE  
****C'MON KARKAT GET IT TOGETHER  
****YOU DON'T NEED TO TYPE A PUSSY FISTING NOVEL  
  
**He seems real wound up. Somethin's eating at him, and that something has to do with Moxxas.  
  
**CaLm DoWn BrO wHaTs GoIn On?  
  
****I NEED TO YOU TO PROMISE ME YOU WON'T FLIP THE FUCK OUT  
****OR AT LEAST THAT YOU'LL KEEP A LEVEL HEAD  
****PANIC IS THE LAST THING WE NEED RIGHT NOW  
  
****Uh  
****OkAy?  
  
****MOXXAS TEXTED ME A MINUTE AGO  
SAYING HE WAS GOING TO GO KILL HIMSELF  
HE SENT ME A SUICIDE NOTE AND TOLD ME TO MASS SPAM IT TO ALL OF OUR FRIENDS  
  
**Well, that was probably the worst thing that he could have possibly said. Your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach, rising back up only to choke the breath from your lungs and block the blood flow to your brain. In a matter of seconds you're blindly running around your room searching for a coat. You make sure to shoot Karkat another message before leaving.  
  
**I gOtTa Go  
  
****WAIT FUCK  
****GAMZEE I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME  
  
**Your head is spinning and your vision swimming. You know you said you wouldn't panic but it's kinda taking over.  
  
**WhAt?  
  
HE ISN'T AT HOME  
HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO GO LOOKING FOR HIM  
I GUESS HE THOUGHT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FIND HIM  
  
  
**That's just.. That's even worse. He's out there in the cold somewhere by himself.  
  
**WhErE tHe FuCk Is He  
  
FROM WHAT LITTLE BITS OF CONTEXT CLUES I COULD SCRAPE UP FROM HIS VAGUE BULLSHIT DEPRESSION FUELED MESSAGES  
HE'S IN A PUBLIC PARK SOMEWHERE ABOUT TO OVERDOSE ON A BUNCH OF PILLS  
  
**His anxiety meds.  
  
**I'M ALREADY OUT SEARCHING  
I HAVEN'T TEXTED ANYBODY ELSE YET BUT I'M ON IT  
  
ThInK i GoT iT  
ImMa Go NoW  
ThAnKs BrO  
  
YEAH  
JUST TELL ME WHEN YOU FIND HIM OKAY  
I'M WORRYING MY DAMN PANTS OFF AND I  
I WANNA KNOW HE'S SAFE  
  
Fo SuRe I'lL lEt YoU kNo  
  
GOOD LUCK GAMZEE  
  
YoU tOo  
  
**Finally spotting a hoodie, you turn off your phone and grab it. You slip on your own shoes in your rush to get out the door and almost faceplant straight into the concrete. Outside, you steady yourself and try to take a deep breath. You think about where he could be. Your only clue is a public park and there's like ten of those in your town, how are you ever gonna get to him in time? You hop in your car after trying to narrow down the parks that Moxxas likes to visit.  
  
You don't know how long you drive for, the panic and emotional break you're goin' through are putting time into a blender right now. You can't find him at any of the places he likes and you're pretty obviously speeding by the time you hit the third park. Each area passed with no sign of him makes your anxiety worsen, your nearly crying for him out the window when you finally hit the fourth one. You catch a glimpse of a Little Mermaid blanket laying stagnant on a bench, it's his, _that's his blanket._ "Yes!", Not even bothering to park properly, you rip your seatbelt out of it's slot.  
  
You launch out of the vehicle in a frenzy, almost tripping again while running towards the bench. He's not here. You look around a little more frantically and spot him slumped over on an unmoving swing. _He's already dead.  
  
_Your breath catches, the thought filling your heart with terror and anguish. You've stopped running, stopped panicking, all you can feel now is dread. Your footsteps are slow and unsteady as you walk over to him, stopping short about a foot away and reaching out to touch his shoulder.  
  
To your immediate relief, Moxxas jumps, and a small pill bottle slips out of his hand and lands in the snow. You move around him so that he can see your face. He looks up at you fearfully, a deer in the headlights. He thought smart, picking somewhere he didn't usually go to, but he never took your dumb luck into account.  
  
"G-G-am-zee?",  
  
"H-How d-d-did you fffind me?",  
  
He's struggling to talk and it's now that your muddled brain finally realizes. He's in pajamas, which makes you think this was a spur of the moment decision, not a planned thing. God, he's not even wearing a fucking jacket! It's twenty fuckin' degrees out here and he's gonna freeze to death if you don't get him warm. You pick up his pills and put them in your pocket, you already know it's his Xanax so you can't just leave it here. Then you lift the boy and tell him to hold on tight, thankfully he listens. It startles him a little but you're glad to feel him cling to you like this. He's cold as ice, shivering so hard you can't believe you didn't see it before. You rub his back and start the walk back to your haphazardly parked car. You make sure to grab Mox's blanket on the way, it's soaked.  
  
Carefully, you manage to open the passenger door without dropping him, and set him down in the seat. Then you return to the driver's seat, throw the wet blanket in the back, and reheat the damn car because of course you left the door wide open. It takes a minute for the car to heat up, so you wait before you start driving again, taking off your sweater and giving it to Moxxas. "Here. We gotta get you warm bro.",   
  
He sits there silent, avoiding you. Your mind is still racing, now about what could've happened if you hadn't found him. You hope to motherfucking christ he doesn't have hypothermia. He's still shivering.  
  
The temperature rises quickly enough, you're able to start driving again in about ten minutes. Mox won't say anything, he's just.. staring. Probably tired, embarrassed, upset. You can't tell, he's unreadable. He looks so empty and hollowed out. Like someone broke him open and stole his heart away. He didn't want to be found, you know that much. But he wasn't fully committed either, he wouldn't have told somebody if he was. It's like a subconscious cry, a plea for help, he was alone in the ocean ready to give up and the last thing he could think to do was call out for someone, anyone to save him.   
  
You weren't as uncertain. That's how you know. You never even thought of telling someone. You just went and tried, and if it weren't for your brother you'd 'a been dead as dust. You're only thought in the middle of that unforgiving sea was "I'm tired".  
  
Moxxas though, he made a pretty good effort but hope still managed to poke through.  
  
"Karkat told you didn't he..",  
  
He startles you out of your thoughts for a second. "What..?", You turn your head a bit, he's shifting around his seat. "Yeah, he did.",  
  
"I told him to say I ran away. And to tell everyone else to say the same thing.",  
  
"He's my best friend Mox.. and he was worried. You didn't think my best friend would tell me you were about kick your own fuckin' bucket?", You can't keep your eyes on him for long, the roads are icy and you wouldn't wanna go crash and kill yourselves anyway.  
  
"I thought he might understand why I didn't want you to know I was dead. Cause he knows you just as good.",  
  
That's crazy. Karbro would never let someone he cared about get hurt, let alone punch their own ticket. What even led to this. You were just hanging out today and he was doing great. "What happened? Why are you even out here, it's freezing and you're wearin' almost nothin'. I know this wasn't a planned thing Mox we were havin' so much fun earlier. You even asked me to come over tomorrow, shit.. You think I was gonna believe you just up and decided to run away from all your friends and me? And motherfuck, you know how much I-",  
  
"I can't do this anymore.",  
  
He stops you right in your tracks, whatever you were about to say fades away in an instant with his words. His terrifying words. "Do... Do what..?",  
  
"Be alive.",  
  
Shit.  
  
"My mom thinks I'm a screw up. I'll never get a job with this piercing. Nobody'll ever respect me with my hair like this.",  
  
_Fuckin' cunt  
  
_"I can barely do anything productive without having a panic attack and she keeps threatening to put me in a hospital.",  
  
_Of course it was his mom_  
  
"When I'm not with you all I can think about is Zobb, and she keeps telling me to get back together with him-",  
  
_It's always his mom_  
  
"she keeps saying that you're a degenerate that's only gonna get me into trouble and that Zobbles parents have money and they can put me through college and-",  
  
_**It's always his** **mom**_  
  
"she doesn't care that he hurt me at all-",  
  
"Come live with me.", It's all you can think to say. If that asshole keeps toying with him like that why doesn't he just come stay with you.  
  
"I can't.",  
  
"Whadaya mean?", You grip the steering wheel tighter, trying to suppress the blind rage bubbling in your mind. You know it's not his fault. It's _not_ his fault.  
  
"It's not fair to her. I'm the only thing that keeps her together.",   
  
_Oh, hell fuckin' no_  
  
"She lives through me. If I'm alive anyway I might as well just live with it. She's still my mom...",  
  
_**I'm gonna motherfuckin' kill the bitch  
  
**_"For fucks sake Mox!",You slam your hands down, unable to keep the anger at bay any longer. "Stop thinkin' about your mom's feelings for once and think about your own damn self! When has she ever thought about how _you_ feel? Fuck that whore..", Your hands coil back around the wheel and you gaze out at the dimly lit streets as you pass them, covered end to end with freshly fallen snow.  
  
There's a hiccup, and a sniffle, and your heart fucking sinks. With concentration, you steady your hot, ragged breathing, and apologize. "I.. I'm sorry.", You look at yourself through the rearview for a moment, loathing how much you look and feel like your dad right now, before putting your attention back to the road. Your head feels like it's been hit clean through with a sledgehammer.  
  
"I'm sorry too.",   
  
You hate how he's trying to push down the shake in his voice.  
  
"I don't really know what to do.. I was- I didn't think anyone would find me. Are you taking me home?",  
  
Fuck no. Not back to that motherfuckin' hell house. "Takin' you back to my place 'kay?",  
  
"But what about my mo-",  
  
"She's just gonna put you away Mox...",  
  
"Can I hold your hand?",  
  
"..Yeah.",  
  
Neither of you say anything else for the rest of the drive, Moxxas doesn't let go of you either. You can feel the slight tremble and jerk of his arm whenever he starts crying again, and it makes you want to join in sympathetically. You hate that this is happening now, but anything is better than that vacant dead eyed stare he was holding before. At least now he's showing some form of emotion.  
  
You pull into the parking lot of your building after what feels like an eternity of awkward silence and sweaty, emotional hand-holding. The car stops and Mox finally looks at you. He's trying so hard not to cry but the tears are flowing all the same like a somber waterfall. Looking past him through the windshield you can see the lights are on in the livingroom, Kurloz is up. You don't know what you're gonna tell him.  
  
"Can I leave my blanket in here? It looks gross and I don't wanna deal with that.",  
  
It almost makes you laugh, if the circumstances were different you probably would have. It's just wet. Instead You just smile and tell him you'll wash it tomorrow. He pops open the car door and stands outside waiting for you, watching his shuffling feet. You get out too and he takes off, his eyes never leaving the ground. He gets to the door before you're even halfway there and your brother opens it for him, concerned.  
  
Kurloz welcomes him into the warm apartment and waits for you to follow. When you catch up and enter, your bro shoots you a fearful glance and signs ["Why didn't you text me back? I heard you leave, what happened? Why is your bitch fucking freezing",]  
  
You try to make yourself smile, to reassure him. He was clearly worried. "Hey.. bro..", Your voice sounds tired and worn. He asks [Why did you leave in such a hurry?",] and you take a second or two to think about how to respond. Looking around Kurloz, you can see Moxxas made a clear bee-line for the couch as soon as he got inside. He's done crying but it still looks like he's about one wrong move away from a total breakdown. You decide the best thing is to push the issue aside for now and talk to Kurlz later.  
  
"Uh.. Mox was havin' a real bad night so.. I brought 'im here to stay for a little while. That okay?", You use your hands to communicate an addition that your boyfriend can't hear. ["It was a lot. Talk about it tomorrow.",] You aren't as good at sign language as he is but you're pretty sure he got the message.  
  
["Yeah, that's ok. Just try to stay quiet. I got some surprise work to do. Some dickweed didn't want to finish up their own shit.",]  
  
"Got it bro.", He pats you on the shoulder and heads back to his bedroom. You wait for him to shut the door before walking over to Moxxas. He turns away from you.  
  
"Can I hold your hand again? Or are you pissed at me..",  
  
"Huh? Mox no- I'm not mad at you... Yeah you can hold it.", You sit down on your knees in front of him, holding out your hand. He takes it quickly, interlacing the both of your fingers.  
  
"I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry.",  
  
"Don't be..",  
  
"I wanna lay down... Please..",  
  
Your rigid, fake smile turns to a soft, genuine one, and you nudge him toward you and a bit off the couch. "Same.",  
  
You go slow, so you don't end up accidentally tugging on him. He lags behind you just a bit, dragging his feet. It makes your stomach clench, you just want this to stop, for him to feel better, but there's nothing you can do to make that happen. There's no magic button that's gonna make this go away, he has to do that on his own, all you can do is be here to comfort him.  
  
Once the both of you are settled and you close your bedroom door, he finally breaks, you can almost _see_ the crack forming in his soul through the way his eyes gaze melancholically at you. He stumbles and lands on your bed with a broken sigh and you rush over to make sure he doesn't fall. He's crying again and this time it isn't stopping, he's grabbing onto you and weeping into your chest. Once again tonight you're left without a single thought in your head, and the only thing you know how to do right now is wrap your arms around him and tell him it's okay.  
  
"I don't know why I'm still crying! I was fine a minute ago.",  
  
You climb into the bed with Mox, goading him into a sleeping position so that the inevitable crash will be easier to handle. Rubbing the back of his neck and holding him close, you let him run himself dry. "It's fine honey bee. Jus let it out..",  
  
He does. Wow he fucking does and it shatters your heart into a million pieces.  
  
"I wanna die! I wanna fucking die!! Why couldn't I do it?! I couldn't swallow the- _the stupid pills!!!"_ ,   
  
He keeps shouting horrible things. About how much he hates himself and his life. You're completely certain that Kurloz is hearing this, and that you'll have to explain in the morning. Eventually he just starts screaming and you're pretty glad that he's latched onto a pillow to shove his face into. You just pull him closer.  
  
Moxxas does calm down, but it takes awhile. He's all cried out, laying limp against you, pillow from earlier discarded in favor of you and your warm embrace. You look past him at the stickers on your window, still shining with sky, holding on tight, you swear you'll never let go again.  
  
"I love you Gamzee. I don't know what else to say anymore.. I just love you so much.",  
  
"Love you too Mox.. ", You brush your hand through his hair. "You wanna sleep..?",  
  
He nods into the crook of your neck. "Mhm.. Forever if I'm being honest.",  
  
You laugh a little. "Well, maybe not forever.",  
  
"Thankyou for being here.. Thankyou for caring...",  
  
"I don't wanna be anywhere else...", You kiss the top of your boyfriend's head, and wait for him to drift off before you yourself konk out. You're gonna have a lot to talk about tomorrow..  
  
  



End file.
